On death

I interrupt myself from asking a friend if she thinks someone would die if they fell down the hill behind her house to ask instead;

“Do you think I’m morbid?”

“Yes. But I like that about you.”

When critiquing another writers stories I often ask whether characters I dislike are going to die. I cheer when they kill off characters.

I have a strange idea that I’m only going to live till 41. I have no idea why. Perhaps because Jane Austen died at 41. A friends response to this was;

I’m 41. That’s not old.”

I’ve dated guys older than him. I know 41 isn’t old. But, for the moment at least, that feels like my use-by date.

A friend is turning 70 next month. This is a huge milestone for him as his father died at 69, his grandfather didn’t make 70 either and, he’s worried he won’t make it.

A couple of years ago I started watching the Ask a Mortician YouTube series. This changed the way I view death. I used to be scared of it. Now I recognise it’s inevitable, it’s what happens to all of us, it’s how we all end. To be honest I’m looking forward to it. To me it seems like a big sleep and I need one of those.

I’m not saying I put myself in dangerous situations. My body was not impressed when I went sky diving, it was several months before it trusted me again. I don’t want to piss my body off so I don’t put it in situations it’s uncomfortable with. You may notice I talk about my body separately. My mind was calm, even during free fall; I only screamed when I remembered that’s what you were supposed to do. After the parachute opened I asked the instructor in a normal voice;

“How long till we’re on the ground? I would prefer to be on the ground, please.”*

I’m not a thrill seeker. I don’t even like scary movies. I appreciated when a friend, seeing I was nervous about the fate of characters on screen, leaned over to tell me;

“It’s OK. They don’t die.”

Last year I wrote my will. I don’t have a significant other or anyone I can rely on to take care of things for me when I die. I think this year I may plan my funeral to make it easier for my sister who is the executor of my will.

I found a natural burial cemetery in Wellington and funeral homes who specialise. I intend to investigate further, I will keep you posted.

*Even when fearing death I am extremely polite
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